A laugh for the day

[marie]

At least a laugh for us in BC anyway . This was emailed to me from a friend in Alberta

NEWrules for entering Alberta :

1. Bring your own house.

2. If going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school and hospital.

3. If going to Edmonton , wear your flak jacket. This is the murder capital of Canada .

4. If driving to Edmonton , it is also the auto theft centre of Canada .

5. If you are bringing drugs, head to FortMcMurray , the drug capital of Canada .

6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Average wage is $15.60/hour.

7. If you work downtown, parking costs $15.00/hour.

8. If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton , or Calgary , why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday.

9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. We have the highest gas prices in Canada . The Alberta Advantage.

10. In Edmontonwe have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don't come here sick.

11. In Calgarythe population has exploded. The last road was paved 12 years ago. Calgaryis a no parking zone.


THE NEW RULES FOR DRIVING IN ALBERTA :

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: 'CAL-GREE' and 'ED-MIN-TIN'.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noonto 8:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On Deerfoot & Whitemud, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. We now haveour own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in the suburbs, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats,deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires,garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Deerfoot, QEII, Hwy 2, Calgary Trail, and Gateway Blvd are all the same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw

[EmilyB]

Your friend in Alberta hasn't lived here long, right ?

[Delphinus]

Sad but true.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.

I actually have a theory about this one. I think that the city dictates a mandatory "start date" for a road construction contract in their bids to tender but don't specify a completion date. Thus, the road contractors start projects all over the place, work on it for a little while, then leave it - to start another project somewhere else, leaving unfinished projects all over the dang place and nobody working on hardly any of them.

[Zylumn]

The City of Calgary probably pays out 90% of the road contractors job when they start it and the final 10% when it is completed.

[Delphinus]

I'm sure of it. It might not be that skewed but I do think they have a payment milestone unbalance. There's way more projects than there are crews to work on them. It drives me nuts to have all these construction zones and not a single soul working on them.

[Slipstream]

You think its bad there?.. Constuction in Vancouver is double that in Calgary.

[Der_Iron_Chef]

Originally Posted by marie

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

Hah! So true.

Originally Posted by Slipstream

You think its bad there?.. Constuction in Vancouver is double that in Calgary.

I doubt that. We only have two seasons here: summer and construction.

[skylord]

My favorite.....they start paving a road and before they get done there are at least 3 crews following them digging holes and putting patches in so we don't get used to having roads without potholes.

Scott

[Murminator]

Yup all sounds about right except this one

6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Average wage is $15.60/hour.

Wouldn't even walk through the door for that, I think thats lower than minimum wage Tim Hortons pays higher than that.

[Delphinus]

I'm sure it's pretty bad for construction in Vancouver right now too. 2010 is coming after all. It's one of the reasons it's hard to find good trades right now - a good deal of them have moved west.

Although I'm specifically referring to the sheer number of projects that are started but don't have people working on them. Like, literally, you've got the road ripped up and traffic cones down to one lane .. maybe some machinery parked around ... maybe the occasional tumbleweed passes by. And not a single person working, except for maybe the dudes with the speed traps. I dunno maybe that is standard operating practise everywhere.