bored
 

someone entertain me :razz:

A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"

A young man walks up to his Gramma and says, "Gramma, have you seen my pills? They are labelled LSD."

Gramma replies, "Never mind your pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

a pirate with a ships steering wheel down his pants walks into a bar. bartender ask "sir, why do you have a ship's wheel in your pants? pirate replies, "Arrrr, it be drivin' me nuts"

I love that one :razz:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Why do the drive-up ATMs have braille on their keypads?


There once was a man who went on a job interview. His resume was very impressive, and the interviewer was ready to hire the man. There was one problem. “There is a period of five years missing from your resume. What were you doing then?" the interviewer asked. The man replied, “Oh... I was in Yale"

The interviewer was quite impressed. “That’s excellent! You're hired!"
The man exclaimed, “Yippee... I got the ‘yob’!"

I Won't say it then Christy:wink:

I'll say it .... hey wait .. I already did! Here I'll say it again. Oh hey, I did it again! Aaaaahhh!!! And again! I keep saying it before I actually say it! Oh no! Twice more now! Wow weird.

You bastage! You just had to go and say it didn't you?

Oh crap, now I said it! :razz:

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know, with separate parts you put together?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the *** off his secretary."

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna ride a bike?

Okay, I'm board out of my mind too today (one of those days where you just don’t want to do anything!!)

Two muffins are in an oven and one says to the other “Wow, it’s hot in here!” The other says “Wow, a talking muffin!!”

lol.

It takes only two flys to screw in a light bulb, but the question is how the hell did they get in there ?

:rofl:

The Sensitive Man
 

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of
cute,cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the
bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle
shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top
shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such
a large a collection of Teddy

Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed
by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,
she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the
one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off
each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few
things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls
over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The
guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says......................











"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”

LOL! Chin! R-rated humour is the best!

"“Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”"

That's fantastic!!! LOL!!

There are so many great golf-obsession jokes... another fave:
Kelly was a golf fanatic - so much so that it became a point of friction in his marriage. When he went out one Saturday, he was warned that they had guests coming over in the afternoon, and he had best be on time. Well, when he got home at 6, he was greeted by his very angry wife. "Wait!" he yelled back, "My friend George had a heart attack and died on the third hole!" His wife immediately began to sympathize. "I know," said Kelly, "so you can understand why I'm late! For the rest of the afternoon, it was 'hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George.'"

The real question is.....

What came first, the clownfish or the clownfish egg?

Uhh. *sigh* I try :mrgreen:

Try harder :razz:

<runs away>

Matt.... That joke was a real drag....

OOOOoooooooooohhhhh

Groan. :)


Okay, here's more R rate humor...

"Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina

Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either."

lol. dirty.

Hmmph. No more entertaining Christy for ME!

LOL! SOOOOOOOO cheesy!

A clean-cut man in glasses and a business suit is having a drink at a bar on the top floor of an hotel. Another man walks into the bar and accidentally bumps him. Glasses takes a look at the loud-mouthed new guy then shrugs like he's gonna forget about it.

Glasses comments to the bartender, "Hey, did you know that the way this building is surrounded by other high-rises causes some really wicked updrafts?"

Bartender, "No, never noticed."

Glasses, "Yeah, if you drop something, like a shoe out the window, it'll come right back up with the updraft."

The other guy interrupts, "Bull. I'm an architect and I've never heard of such a thing."

Glasses, "Ok, I'll prove it to you." He promptly walks over to the window, pushes it open, waves at the crowd & leaps out.

A gasp is heard throughout the bar as everyone figures they've just witnessed a suicide.

10 seconds later, Glasses floats back up.

"Holy crappers. How'd you do that?" yells loud-mouth.

"Easy" states Glasses, "I'll do it again just to prove it." And out he jumps again.

10 seconds later, Glasses floats back up and lands gently inside.

Loud-mouth yells, "Cool! My turn." as he pushes Glasses out of his way.

"Geronimo-o-o-o-o-o!!!" he screams, all the way down till he hits pavement 40 stories down.

Bartender looks at Glasses and says, "Superman. You sure are a mean drunk!":wink:


Anthony

oh you'll be back :wink:

*sigh* You're so right.

Now I'm bored. Christy, I think it's time for you to entertain me!

sadly I am bored as well. and I've got nothin. :neutral:

edit: found some! :)

A team of archaeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave
with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of
David on the wall.

The head archaeologist points to the first drawing. “This indicates that
these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem.” he
says. “The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till
the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further
proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they
would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David,
telling us they were Hebrews.”

The second archaeologist shakes his head. “Hebrew is read from right to
left,” he explains. “It says, ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig the arse on that Chick!’”

ha ha ha. nice.

Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died", replied the boy without looking up, "and I've jiust buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "Thats an awefully bug hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."